Created in the memory,
of a Hair&Lovely buoy.
1991 - Right about now.

He wanted to learn how to be content with fewer things and sought wonder in the smallest of miracles, often mistaken as being unambitious.

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Trains, to him, were always full of realizations. Being trapped in a train with other people often led to, he felt, strange conversations and experiences that were otherwise rare in the rest of life. 

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On one of his travels, he found himself on the way to Goa. He was studying for his Master’s degree in automotive design at the moment, in a college in Ahmedabad, known for its ability to attract artistic hippies, or else convert those who weren’t, like himself. He did not know that that was the day he was going to be converted.

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Growing up in a cash-strapped middle class family in India had taught him to be very specific with his demands from his parents. You could, essentially, make one only on your birthdays, but the chances of it being denied were as low as they could be at any other time. His demand, during those years, used to be for a good pair of shoes. 

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Those were a luxury for his family at that time. His parents had probably gone to their schools and colleges in what they’d call as essential footwear, what the privileged world refers to as bathroom slippers. But their kids were lucky enough to get local, yet branded footwear for their school. Not one, but in fact two - white and black! It was a stretch, but the parents did their best. On one occasion, his school planned to send the kids to an offsite trip, and asked all the kids to have proper sports shoes as a mandatory requirement. He didn’t know until around his late twenties, when his mother told him that she had to sell some of her gold jewelry to buy the shoes for him.

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So, a demand for Nike or Adidas shoes every year was, by no small margin, a small ask. And he needed one almost every year because he really really loved to walk around, and did manage to break his shoes by the time he was done walking. Once, he was bored (yes, just bored), so he walked 20 kms back home from the center of the city, on a route which was otherwise well connected by Delhi Metro. Those shoes were much needed, and luckily, they were never denied.

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Yet, getting the money for them used to be only half the challenge. His foot, his big fat Indian foot, was too broad in the middle to fit into the international brands’ sizes; 8 out of 10 that he tried wouldn’t be satisfactory. Add to that fact the money was only ever good for discounted shoes, and that his size was one of the most common ones; finding a shoe that fit both his foot and budget was usually a month long assignment. 

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He had always loved cars and bikes. So much, that before shoes became the de-facto demand on his birthdays, it used to be toys with wheels. And he loved them so much that as a child, he slept with at least one truck, car, bike, or airplane, under or next to his pillow, or in his hands. One could say that he learned how to hold a vehicle before he learned how to hold hands with someone. People were a puzzle to him all the way to his twenties, and he couldn’t relate to them a lot emotionally, but he had no trouble expressing his love for vehicles throughout his lifetime.

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It wasn’t a hidden love either; his family, relatives and friends could all see him suffer from it quite openly. His parents even decided to explore options to align his career path (and hence, study path) with the same passion while he was still in school. But the automotive industry is not one that payed as well as the IT industry, and doesn’t do that today either, so the options were always ruled out. Nor was he himself too sure of his own passion and abilities by the time school ended. Consequently, he ended up going to study engineering for his bachelor’s degree, in a subject almost entirely unrelated to his passion.

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But the first year was revealing. He had known that a bachelors in such a field won’t limit his chances of doing a masters in an automotive field later on, but a chance conversation with someone from the automotive industry scared him, and scared him down to the soul that he didn’t know existed till then. It scared him so much that he found a fresh pound of commitment to take over his own fate. That day, this kid, who had never had trouble in scoring close to the highest percentile in all of his subjects in school, made the following claim to his mother: “For the next three years, I am only going to study enough to pass in all of my subjects, so that I can spend the rest of my time in the next 3 years preparing for my masters’ entrance exam. I am going to become an automotive designer, and I am not giving up on it like this.”

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Probably he wasn’t taken seriously then, but he was quite serious. Over the next three years, he spent considerable time building his knowledge and skills, through countless sleepless nights, to prepare for the commitment that he had made. He even scored an internship all by himself, in a design studio that payed nothing but gave him exposure to the industry, but perhaps even then, his parents must have not taken him seriously. Because the day when he got placed at Infosys in the 3rd year, and denied to take it up, was met with much surprise from them. 

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He had applied for entrance to a few colleges of his choice. He had also applied for the Air Force, thinking of it as a backup to save himself from a boring desk job. His mother let him try. But there was a day, a moment that he remembers clearly, when he had a loud argument with her. She almost meant to plead with him to take up any opportunity that the Air Force gives him, because the family was struggling financially and had been on the brink of bankruptcy for a long time. But either he didn’t know how much, or he was distracted by his own struggle at pursuing his passions, because he had simply shouted back at her, claiming his right to try for the next 5 years at least in lieu of the time that he had spent studying engineering as per her wishes. He’d stormed out of the room after that, and gone straight to his own. 

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This was the 2nd time that he had felt searing fear for the sake of his own fate, and decided to commit to it yet again. That night, he had torn apart his admit card to the Air Force interview, silently in his own room. He had, as he had told himself, made himself committed to the only outcome desirable - a seat in a college to study automotive design - by throwing out his backup option. There was nothing else that he could fall back upon. It had to be achieved. 

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Eventually, he found himself with the seat that he so desired, along with an education loan. His mother’s point was simple - they had paid for his first college, and he must pay for the 2nd. They would still pay the interest, but the principal was his responsibility. It was important to be done this way, because he also had a younger sister, and the parents needed to put whatever cash they could spare into her studies now. 

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So, he did get to go study for his passion, but it came with a financial struggle that he had been lucky not to experience during his bachelor’s. He realized that it was a big gamble to play in a family such as his, that it may not provide him the means of a decently paying job in the future, but most importantly, with the guilt that he had pushed them all further into their already deepening financial spiral. That realization made him make a further commitment to himself - that while following his passion is a must, but he also needs to be prudent while doing so, making sure that he spends responsibly without putting any more undue pressure on his parents. 

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During the admissions process to this college, he had to be present for two interviews, one for each of the courses that he had applied to.

 

Unfortunately, they were both scheduled in the same week as midterms in his current college in Delhi. His college’s authorities were unempathetic to anyone who had an interest in anything other than engineering, especially if it was related to art, and the only way for him to get through this successfully was to travel between the two cities, in the short time between the two events, twice over.

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His family couldn’t afford 4 back to back flight tickets; they had never even flown ever. They were also not so well-connected to be able to arrange for 4 back to back train tickets in the characteristically over-reserved Indian Railway booking system. Yet they had been decently blessed and he had never had to go through the pain of requesting another fellow human for space in the unreserved section of the trains, hence he didn’t know how to be comfortable in traveling without a reservation.

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On one of those journeys, being one without a confirmed ticket, he found himself sitting half-assed on the corner of someone else’s berth, trying to read off a thick reference book and memorize for next day’s exam, in the rickety rackety and chit-chatty loud mess. But most of his time was spent wondering how he would ever pull it off. How could one study in this environment, even if they were planning on just getting passing marks! A little while later, as the loudness softened by the virtue of everyone having exhausted themselves by talking too loudly and being fed by the train’s exceptional service team, one of the servers, as he faintly remembers, was found sitting beside him, and as a conversation ensued.

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He learned from this boy, who was almost the same age as him, and served snacks on the train, that he was actively pursuing a degree too. It was curious as to how he was managing this with the nature of his current job being that he shuffled between two cities on a daily basis! He explained that he found the time to catch up on his correspondence material in between the train schedules, or after the end of each service, and gave exams whenever he found himself in Delhi at the appropriate timings, as luckily, the train always arrived in Delhi early in the mornings and started again later in the afternoons. A while later, the conversation ended, as the boy wished him well for his own studies and continued ahead towards his own duties. 

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After that conversation, he was flooded with thoughts.

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“If he can do this, then what reason have I got to be so miserable?” – was one thought.

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“Surprisingly, he doesn't seem too sad because of his circumstances. Or at least as sad as I am.” – was another one.

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Later, when he got into the college and had to travel more often between Ahmedabad and Delhi, he would always take the same train, and travel in the same class (Sleeper Class) even though his mother would pressure him, with money that he didn’t know how she’d manage, to travel in the Rajdhani instead. He’d hoped to have more of such conversations, meet more of such humble and inspiring people, and learn for their lives.

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During his studies in the college, he maintained a strict monthly budget for himself, to be spent on food as well as essentials for his studies. He would avoid big trips with his classmates and fancy dinners or stationeries. He wore many of his father’s old clothes mixed with some of his own - one of his favorite attires was wearing his father’s oversized shirts with his own jeans which was now cut off from the middle to look more like a 3/4th short, with threads hanging off from the knee lengths. That was the only time he preceded fashion itself.

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During those times, there also came across a very unique opportunity - the Indian Bike Week. It was the first event of its kind, organized specially for bikers in India. It was supposed to be similar to Auto Expo, but only way more focussed on 2-wheelers, and fancier. He felt that it would be a great place to network and learn more about these vehicles that he loved! 

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But it was in Goa, where he had no friends who could host him, and his college had denied funding the trip as well as tickets to the event. He was desperate to attend it, but he was more desperate not to ask his family for the money. He was so desperate, that when he picked up one of the usual car magazines that he would read day and night, and found a contest that would give him the chance to win tickets to the event, he didn’t waste a second. All he had to do was write about his best bike trip, which he did, within a few minutes. He was desperate, and wrote with his dreamy instincts, because he had never owned a bike, and he had never taken a bike trip.

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2 days later, he had 2 tickets to the event in his hands. He was able to barter one of the tickets in return for a hotel stay at one his classmate’s friend’s hotel in Goa. And with these two expenses taken care of, he finally found the courage to ask his mother for money to buy the train tickets. 

A week later, he woke up from an afternoon nap on the train, and realized, after frantic searching, that his only pair of shoes, his beloved blue Nike shoes, that he had bought from the previous year’s birthday money and had spent over a month searching for, had been stolen. And if that was not bad enough, he realized that he wasn’t even carrying any bathroom slippers, which meant that he had to pee in the famed Indian Railways washroom with bare feet. His heart, budgets and egos were all broken in a single moment.

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_____

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He completed the rest of his trip with a pair of cheap slippers that he had bought in Goa, on the way from the train station to the hotel. On the way, the lady who had helped him with directions to the market, while he was standing barefoot on the side of the road, waiting for the bus, had later mentioned to him that she’d thought that he was on some religious mission. 

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He was. He was being religious to his own strange circumstances. When he eventually reached back in Ahmedabad, he was still too heartbroken. And he just couldn’t ask his mother for another pair of shoes, and definitely not an expensive pair. So he decided to just live with the slippers for a couple of months and save for a basic pair. 

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In the meantime, he figured that he could also try living barefoot for sometime, because wearing the slippers all the time was hurtful. The walk from his room to his classes was a short one, and the campus was relatively clean. So he spent around a month or two trying to live barefoot. Which was better than he’d imagined. He suddenly felt so many different feelings, from the sensitive underside of his feet, an area that we tickle for fun, but otherwise never give a chance to feel the world. The sensations of walking barefoot were scary at first, but revealingly fun thereafter! So much so, that he still misses them a lot, and desires to live a barefoot life someday again!

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If it hadn’t been for his circumstances in those times, he would have never found these pleasures - pleasures that don’t cost one a fortune, yet they do bring a fortune of another kind, in the manner of personal realizations and abundant, grounded enjoyments! 

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Such experiences led him to feel more curious about life itself - what other pleasures did life have to offer, by its own self, and without asking for anything in return? Keeping this curiosity led him to see some beautiful examples throughout his life experience. One day, while driving to a friend, and having found himself stuck at a slow traffic junction, he noticed some kids playing on the footpath. Those kids were homeless. Their parents, right by their side, looked much less happy, excited, and perhaps, oblivious to their own circumstances. But it made him wonder, how are kids almost always to be found in such a playful attitude, no matter their circumstances?

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Such thoughts, conversations and encounters lead him to feel that contentment, comfort or even enjoyment in life isn’t simply a matter of one’s circumstances. So he deliberately put himself through more experiences, such as traveling in cheap trains, commuting in slow buses, to talk more to people who made the best of what they were blessed with, and to realize the privileges that his life had blessed himself with, to finally understand the reasons and approaches behind their emotions and circumstances. It led to realizing that even his education loan itself was a privilege in itself, as not everyone is lucky enough to prove to a bank that they can pay one back.

As life unraveled more, he was also presented with many struggles that he could have barely imagined, some leading him to question life itself. At such moments, those wondrous kids and the railway boy came back to him in his mind, reminding himself to keep a child’s playful and curious attitude – to feel wonder in every moment, take pleasure in the smallest of moments, take pride in every challenge, stay humble, and never forget your blessings.

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One of his favorite songs was the following, Up&Up by Coldplay:

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“Fixing up a car to drive in it again

Searching for the water hoping for the rain

Up and up, up and up

Down upon the canvas, working meal to meal

Waiting for a chance to pick your orange field

Up and up, up and up.”

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As he grew up more and more, and achieved more financial success than anyone in his family, including himself, would have thought possible, he pushed himself even more to stay true to these life experiences and realizations. 

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Having such an outlook, many of his desires were reduced drastically. He once had a Ferrari poster on his wall as a child. Later, he desired for nothing more than a small Toyota car. He was happy (and found it economically smarter) to fix his mother’s old car, walk around on foot as much as he could while finding wonders on the corner of every street, enjoying every little meal served with every bit of kindness, and waiting patiently for pleasures, or peace, that he hoped for. 

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While others would show off their big cars, expensive watches, branded clothes and colorful sneakers, he would show off how cheaply he traveled between airports and his home, or how fashionable he found a cheap Casio to be, or how cheaply he could furnish his house by chasing unthought of deals on OLX, and how well he could fix old things. 

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He deemed himself as born content, but at the same time, the world deemed himself as born unambitious. In this world, where a man should never be happy with anyone, not even with his own wife, and where families looked for potential matches with prosperous backgrounds communicated by the means of shiny material wealth, he became undesirable. In all fairness, everyone was only seeking security for their own selves and their lifestyles through such judgements. But he had found security in not having an inflated lifestyle, rather a grounded one that revealed sustainable pleasures in abundance, for those who saw his life from the outside, never came to appreciate the little things that he had found abundant joys and security in.